Sunday, March 29, 2009

March 30, 2009

What is happening to me? I really do not understand the space that my head is in now. All that I wasnt is to have a simple, non complicated life full of happiness, love, family, and probably far to many dogs. I want to go to Paris. I want to have that crap apartment in San Fransisco which I pay way to much money for and work really hard and do things that matter and make a difference. I want to fall in love.

Why can I not just live that life, its the one I want, its the one I pray about. Its the one that I dream about. Why then have I been handed this lie that if I move one step in the wrong direction I could loose everything? Am I being challenged? Do I really want this? Why is is that the one thing I really want has been extended to me and its there but who knows if it is real or if I am making up some grand illusion in my head that I tend to do so much sometimes/

I think I read to many books about far to many things. I read of adventure, I crave adventure, but I do nothing about it. I want to just pack a bag with a few things in it, a couple books, a full Ipod and just go. So is that my plan, work really hard and save every dime so one day I can just slip out the back door and not return until I have figured myself out?

I am so tired and so confused and I am twenty three years old and I have alot on my plate and most days I feel like I am drowning.

I wish I had someone older and wiser that I could talk to. A mentor of sorts that I could get sage advice from. I had one for awhile, but God decided that she was needed more in heaven and I would learn to manage without her.

Its so hard to say that this is not the life that I want to lead when there are so many beautiful things in my life.

I have my dog, who is simply beside herself when I walk into the door and will wag her tail whenever I look at her. I am hers as much as she is mine.

I have quite possibly the best friends a person could ever ask for, friends who are willing to listen to me figuring everything out with open hearts and are willing to hold me while I cry myself to sleep when I feel like for that moment my heart is braking into a thousand pieces and I can feel ever one of them.

I have a family. A mom, dad, and a brother who support me and love me no matter how weird I am. A grandfather who is quite possibly the coolest man on the planet. A beautiful family full of interesting people who just need to get their act together and realize that when we are all in a room there is a certain magic, and I wont have to go through another Christmas without music. I need to go to sleep, I have alot of stuff to do this week, hopefully Matt and Kim with play me some tunes that will lift my spirits because they are really in the gutter.

I am gone to spend some time with Edward and Bella.

Love you all.

1 comment:

Sadie said...

Lol stop watching Twilight! It's only making you worse!

Next...take your car...your Debit Card...and a road map and just go.

You can find a job when you get to where you are going.

Keep a sleeping bag and a tent so you have a place to sleep.

Life is an adventure and if you want that adventure you have to be willing to work to get it and grab a hold of those breaks when they come your way.